Things I learned about Ann Coulter from reading her Uncyclopedia entry:
- She is “benevolent, understanding transsexual, has the ability to morph into a blood sucking Nazi Vampire with telekinetic powers, and looks like a damn zombie.”
- She is now the Supreme Chancellor of Pluto where she has 666 vacation homes, that number also being the one she carves into the decapitated heads of her victims.
- She spent most of her childhood living with grandfather Adolf Hitler.
- Ann once found a magic lamp with a genie that would grant her three wishes. Ann only wanted one wish, and that was to become a man. However, when the genie granted the wish, nothing happened. This was the catalyst in her campaign against women.
- Coulter graced Time Magazine’s cover. This marked the first time that a Time coverperson was unable to read her own article due to illiteracy.
- Coulter is is a card carrying member of the ACLU. Why do ACLU members always actually carry their cards, anyway?
- Ann Coulter is actually a former drag queen from Key West named Pudenda Shenanigans according to “Strap-On Veterans for Truth”
- Ann Coulter = Sauron Hitler Gacy Bateman Cartman Satan Dooku Lecter Megatron Joker Voldemort Venom Bowser Putnam O’Malley Olaf Xerxes Bin Laden Harkonnen Vader Terminator
- She has an infatuation with John Edwards.
- Has written Mein Kampf 2: Electric Bogaloo and # “101 Ways to Kill Puppies.”
Things I should have realized earlier.
- Red Sox fans are annoying.
- Patriots fans are annoying.
- Celtics fans are annoying.
- Oh, what the Hell, Bruins fans are annoying too.
- Human resources departments are the most incompetent people in the business world. (Mine owes me $210 I’ll never see.)
- I should really save quarters for laundry. (My room smells.)
- I never know what kind of drunk I’ll be when I drink Rolling Rock.
- Inter-office meetings are pointless.
- I.T. guys are always pretentious.
- There is no such thing as I.T. girls nor I.T. guys getting any girls.
- Freelancing is aggravating. I wrote a story for an alumni magazine here, and the editors chopped it in half, replaced all the ’said’s with says (a pet-peeve) and watered down my writing so I can’t use it for any future clips. Thanks.
- My voice sounds beautiful in the shower. (You should here my rendition of “The River”).
- Your mom thinks I’m handsome.
- All that staying up all night really screws you up in the A.M.
- Dress-down Day is never worth anticipating for.
- No matter how crappy your bicycle is, someone will steal it.
- Toilets get disgusting quickly.
- I can cook almost anything with a microwave.
- Never give a girlfriend your T-shirt. Those girlfriends become ex-girlfriends and ex-girlfriends don’t give back T-shirts.
I’ll be in NEPA for the weekend so I won’t be blogging until Monday.
