In response to this, I wrote a letter to the editor under a pseudonym. Because I don’t want any backlash from my employer via someone Googling his or her way here, I’m editing every mention of the actual school name.
To be honest, I had to do a double take.
After glancing over the “SGA moves to explore replacing G#$@#!’s mascot” (Feb. 15, 2008) article, I thought I accidentally picked up The Onion. The spoof, despite being amusing, was to the contrary. If only the popular parody newspaper was displayed on P—-stone’s newspaper racks rather than The Q@#!#(@@!, I might not feel as disillusioned.
But then I remembered this is G#$@#! College, where logic and reason go to die. No, this is no joke; G#$@#!’s Student Government Association has not only decided to give any half-witted plebeian the right to introduce legislation, but to also haplessly look into the possibility of changing the mascot from our beloved gopher to its ugly, red-headed step-cousin twice-removed – the groundhog. Bureaucracy, even on the collegiate level, reigns supreme once again. (Everybody panic.)
I find it to be hilarious that the rationale behind the proposed mascot change isn’t that Mortimer the G#$@#! is feeble in comparison to the mighty Eagles, of Juanita College, or the hard-fought Crusaders, of Susquehanna University; rather it’s a supposed advancement of the college’s endeavors toward environmental sustainability. (Divertingly, I also find the so-called environmental sustainability goals to be hypocritical in behalf of both the college and students; whereas I hear little uproar from anyone about the shortage of trashcans in residence halls, lack of plastic and glass recycling or the disappearance of deer from the woods.)
Would someone tell me how this happened? G#$@#! used to be a prestigious school that was repeatedly lauded by the New York Times in the 1980s before going co-ed. Now, it boasts an illuminated, beatnik student population with a dismal retention rate and a governing body whose No. 1 concern is making sure that Marylanders know it’s Punxsutawney Phil who is dancing his way all over the Baltimore Municipal Golf Course, not Winnie the Pooh’s whistling cohort. In next week’s agenda, SGA will remind us that we’ve been wrong in calling our school colors ‘blue and yellow’ and that we must be steadfast in rooting for the ‘cornflower and cadmium lemon.’
Have some pity for poor Mortimer. I’m sure he and the rest of the gophers had no choice to evacuate the Towson area. It is clear that the indigenous, Division I tiger species clearly outnumbered the gophers by a rate of 19-to-1 in this town, taking away all available parking spaces, cost-efficient apartments and barstools. Sure, the gophers can easily be replaced by the brutish groundhogs but, in all reality, it does not stance a chance of competing in this Darwinesque habitat with the tigers of Towson. How’s that for environmental sustainability?
Other than being a commonality that students can associate themselves with, the primary reason for collegiate nicknames derives from athletics. Now, with participation already at an embarrassing rate – women’s soccer finished with nine players; women’s basketball boasts eight Gophers; women’s lacrosse’s roster consists of 13 laxers – how difficult is it going to be to recruit athletes to a school which had to change its mascot because it wasn’t “eco-friendly.” Our reputation for being a non-athletic, artsy college would be pushed up to the nth degree. For all the fuss made about environmental awareness, you’d think our nickname would be the Hummers, Cyanide Fishers, or the ever-popular G#$@#! College Acid Mine Drainage.
While we’re on the topic of changing our nickname, why don’t we go the next level? Although they are native to the Old Line State, groundhogs benefit from deforestation. Environmental-friendly G#$@#! College presumably would be against the cutting down of Baltimore County’s woodsland that makes way for the ticky-tacky suburban sprawlers, which inevitably lures more groundhogs into our area. Therefore, groundhogs are obtrusive, and we must find a nickname that better suits the college. I suggest the following eco-friendly names: Veggies, Priuses, Greenpeace or the G#$@#! College Al Gores.
Like “Groundhog Day,” this kind of thing seems to be an everyday occurrence. I don’t need to see my shadow to know that Jared M89#&#!s’ resolution is another waste of time and a complete non-issue. SGA’s affirmation and the subsequent exploratory committee are even more of an embarrassment to itself and the school.
While it may not be The Onion, the issue at hand is laughable. Perhaps last issue’s story may be better suited for another publication – Sports Illustrated’s “This Week’s Sign of Apocalypse.”
