
I’ve been a little busy lately. Between learning the ins and outs of lacrosse, LOST and a stint in North Carolina, I haven’t had much time to blog. (Actually, I’ve been wasting my time wasting money.)
As previously mentioned before, I’m trying to learn the game of lacrosse for work. This is what I’ve learned:
Lacrosse is more boring than cricket.
For some God-forsaken reason, Marylanders eat up this sport. I can’t understand why. Maybe because Baltimoreans are soft, complain about 40-degree weather in February and cancel collegiate classes for “inclement weather” when there’s a slight less-than-an-inch dusting on the ground. (Side-rant: I’m sick of people using the word “inclement” to describe the weather. Inclement is defined as “severe in temper or action” and “unmerciful.” A light snow is not inclement. I don’t want to sound like the oldest 22-year-old on the planet, but my alma mater has canceled classes once since the late 1970s. As much as I love having the day off, if teachers can’t take driving in flurries, they should just shut down the Baltimore County Public School System as we speak. Hacks.) Obviously, Marylanders couldn’t stand bearing the cold temperatures of hockey arenas or the tremendous amount of violence it entails so it would seem nature they would flock to the dumbed-down version of the sport — lacrosse.
If you have never met a lacrosse fan or attended a lacrosse event, you’re missing out. These people are nuts! Of the 378 people who attended the d3 men’s lacrosse game, I can guarantee you that at least 70 percent of them brought their own foolish-looking lacrosse sticks. As if the coach is going to need to substitute a 48-year-old postal worker to fill in goal. Or one of the metal balls is going to fly into the grandstands and a stick is the only form of prevention of head injuries to the crowd. In baseball, it is unacceptable for fans no longer eligible for Little League to bring mitts to the game. It helps us distinguish the tools from the real fans. In lacrosse, it’s welcomed.
Oh, but it’s not lacrosse, man. If you’re in the know, you know it’s called lax. No, not the L.A. airport. Apparently adding an X to it makes it seem more extreme and less French. Substituting an X still doesn’t changing it from being lame.
But the game itself? Terribly boring. There’s all kinds of rules that are nonsensical. Penalty box without a box? Say what. Improper stick violations? Are they putting razor blades on the ends to slice opponents? This is ridiculous. The stats are completely ludicrous. You’d swear these fools would go Alexander Hamilton all over someone’s ass for more groundballs. They get a stat for picking up a ball. Why don’t we give stats for number of successful steps while we’re at it?
But the women’s game is worse. There’s no contact. The stats and the game itself is completely changed. Basically it’s the Arena Football version of real lacrosse: more scoring, uninterpretable rules, a giant net in the back and funny uniforms. Instead a jump ball or a faceoff, it has something called a draw control. I don’t know what that means but it involves putting the ball between two people and flipping it up in the air. Then it’s like watching raccoons fight over the last piece of three-day-old KFC chicken. I don’t know what that means either but, at least, it sounds cool.
Laxers are the most vile of creatures. If you don’t play the game, know the game and dream the game, you’re nothing, which is reminiscent to Maryland’s state motto, if I remember correctly. You don’t know that Johns Hopkins is unstoppable? You predicted UVA to beat Syracuse? “OMFG WHAT A N00b.” Listen, lacrosse isn’t a real sport. It’s a glorified attempt at making field hockey cool. Luckily, N.E.P.A. is too badass to fall for those tricks. We’ll stick to things that matter. I’d rather play hopscotch.
What can I do? I’m on my grind. I’m going to have so much money, my kids are going to play lacrosse. Lacrosse, blogosphere. Lacrosse.
Good stuff:
This stupid thing that only I find funny.
N.P.R. wants to know whom you are voting for and what you are listening to. Unfortunately, everyone who has ever listened to N.P.R. has voted for Michael Dukakis.
BARACK OBAMA IS YOUR NEW BICYCLE. All your base are belong to us!
Deadspin goes on this nice little rant about E.S.P.N.:
Sports fans like this? Really?
No, no they don’t. When you consider that “Greatest Highlight” has been on every “SportsCenter” for a month, it would be a rather resounding failure for it not to show up somewhere. In our view, this is the same reason “Who’s Now?” was the top searched term of 2007. We’ve discussed this before, but it warrants repeating:
ESPN is a corporation. As a corporation, their goal is to grow and make money. There is no crime in this; this is not an art project. But as most sports fans can tell you, even those of us who grow exhausted of the “Greatest Highlight” and “Who’s Now” antics watch ESPN all the time. There is no viable competitor; if you’re a sports fan who doesn’t watch ESPN, you’re really not much of a sports fan.
ESPN knows this. They know they have you; you aren’t going anywhere. Because of this, they do not need to cater to you. To grow, they must bring in new viewers, people who are more casual sports fans, people who are more drawn in by the shiny objects of “controversy” and Dick Vitale. They’re the ones who might think, hey … I AM curious about how the world of sports intersects with the world of Hollywood! They are the new viewers; they are the people who discovered Nirvana way too late and ruined everything. (Note: We are one of these people, at least when it comes to Nirvana.) They are exactly the type of people who keep Chris Berman in our faces every night. And they’re exactly the type of people who love the “Greatest Highlight;” people who, really, don’t actually like sports that much.
So that’s why, in our humble opinion, “Greatest Highlight” is the most searched term on ESPN.com. That, or the world is fucking collapsing all around us. Could be that.
Home Run Derby reports that the Rays are giving away cowbells this season. More cowbell!
Sean Salisbury = Canned.
And lastly….
Stuff white people like (best site currently on the web, other than my craplog.)
P.S. I’m writing a screenplay. I don’t expect anything to come of it. I just want to prove that I can write a better script than those no-talent assclowns who wrote “Rocky Balboa”