D.N.C. = Do Not Count

Get ready for the most implausible argument in election history: Hillary Clinton wants her votes to count in Michican’t(vote) and Florida.

I swear in the D.N.C. stusses out and hands over the Florida and Michigan to Hillary, despite being the only one to campaign in Florida and being the only real candidate on the ballot in Michigan, it would be the biggest joke since Hillary gave her victory speech for Michigan. “This campaign is on the right track. I beat a robotic Chris Dodd and the Not Hillary ticket by six points. Watch out Super Tuesday, here I come!”

What the frick-frack is this? The D.N.C. is going to tell my two least favorite states that they have no vote and then Indian give them back. Because the mean old lady said so. This is horses—. Don’t blame the D.N.C.; Michiganders should point fingers at their farking state legislatures for their meaningless primary. They knew the rules before they broke them, but they went ahead and pushed their primaries ahead because they wanted to make some money off the primary. Now, Pennsylvania is the new Iowa. It’s a great economic boost a state like Michigan could have used. Now? Not so much.

In other news, Ron Paul is coming to Towson, Md.. All four Paultards out there not already consumed by zombies get excited. For protection against the Ron Paul zombies, I’m bringing a machete (and a camera).

Courtesy of the Las Vegas Sun, the longest newspaper correction of all-time. Somebody has got to be fired for this.

I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missoura; Dewey Beats Truman

Thoughts on Super Tuesday:

Alabama: Line of the night. Huckabee’s “I’m rollin’ with the Tide.” Too bad he only won S.E.C. schools. (He did make a reference to the Nittany Lions though. Sort of.)

Alaska: C’mon, please get done already with the G.O.P. It’s taking foreeeevvvveeerr. 28 percent done? Hurry the frick up! I must also note that Alaska is the only state whose voters pick their candidate on who plans on destroying their state as much as possible. (Edit: Romney can!).

American Samoa: Samoa results!

Arizona: I like how Romney’s best attack from today was McCain couldn’t win the conservative vote in ‘Zona. Too bad Romney couldn’t win anything else.

Barkansas: The only thing Hillary did as First Lady of Alabama was [insert some kind of sexist remark].

California: Of course, the Golden State can’t get it right. I wonder how much closer the California vote would have been without two million early voters, including many before Obama won in Iowa. Why else would eight PERCENT OF THE F$%^ING STATE VOTE FOR A GUY WHO ISN’T IN THE RACE? I say we dock California eight percent of its delegates as a penalty.

Colorado: Rocky Mountains aren’t very high for the Clintons.

Delaware: How are they ever going to figure out how to split the delegates between the three counties?

Democrats Abroad: (Suck)

Georgia: To show how much of a failure Mitt Romney is at life. Mitt has spent $1.16 million for every one delegate he has. Gov. Huckabee has 20 delegates for every $1 million he has. Fail. (Washington Post.)

Idaho: Obama wins 80-15. Pwnage. My favorite county in the country: Clark County, Idaho. Number of democratic primary caucus voters: Six. (N.Y. Times).

Illinois: Obama smoked Hillary in his state, whereas Hillary squeaked by Obama in her state.

Kansas: Rock Chalk Obama.

Assachusetts: Shut up, polls. McCain and Barack had no chance.

Minnes0ta: Ron Paul 16 percent!

Missouri: By far, the most interesting state of the night. While the A.P. was busy calling Dewey beats Truman, I called an Obama victory when he was down 30 percent! (Yeah, I also called a N.Y. Giants Super Bowl win). Why? Because St. Louis’ education system is poor and it takes them until Alaska finishes to hand in their countin’. STL + KC + University of Missouri > The Whole State.

Montana: Ron Paul 25 Percent!

Boo Jersey: Once again proving to the country that New Jersey really is just a suburb of New York. They even share senators!

New Mexico: They’ve been stuck on 38 percent (48-48 tie) for the past hours. Boo!

New York State: has a senator who doesn’t really have a relationship to New York nor does anything for the state. New Yorkers don’t mind.

North Dakota: Has delegates?

Oklahoma: Edges out California for the award for Most People Who Think John Edwards Is Still A Candidate.

Tennessee: Apparently, there’s night-time tornadoes that you can’t see in Tennessee. CNN warns night-time reporters to stay indoors.

Utah: Best State Ever.

West Virginia: I don’t even understand what went on today.

CNN and AP call states too early. N.Y.T. waits forever. Washington Post has the best coverage.

I’ve seen two numbers right now. One has Obama leading the delegates and the other with Clinton. Prediction: Obama sweeps the Beltway next Tuesday.

Best Super Tuesday State Ever

I’ll post once all of the results are in, but I just had to post the best Super Tuesday Statistic of all time:

With one percent of precincts reporting, 47 percent of Utah Democrats voted for someone not named on the ballot. Thirty-nine percent of Utah Democrats voted for John Edwards — now out of the race. Nine percent voted for Bill Richardson. One percent voted for Chris Dodd. Followed by Joe Biden. Hillary, four cumulative votes. Obama, zero votes.

Thanks Utah.

Jamma on the one, jamma on the one

I’ve been teetering between whom I am backing for president in November. I’ve been a Obama supporter for some time. I debated voting for Edwards but he hasn’t oohed or ahhed me at all. Maybe that’s why populists never get voted: they’re too ordinary.

Here are my rankings for both the Democrats and the Republicans as the primaries take a turn towards Super Boozeday.

Democrats:

1. Barack Obama: I should like him just for his inspiring oratories. They are some of the best speeches I’ve ever heard. On the issues, I agree with him the most on the issues. I feel his health-care solution is the only one on the table that’s actually feasible. He may not be as experienced, but some of the worst presidents in our country’s history (e.g., Eisenhower, G. Bush Sr., Grant, Buchanon) while some of our best had very little experience at all (e.g., Lincoln). I’ve always thought politics is more about leadership than experience. Experience is something you put in your cabinet.
2. John Edwards: Why does it always seem like he’s running for vice president? Many Americans are wondering whether or not the country is ready to have a woman president. A poor showing by Edwards in South Carolina would surely kill the feminism movement.
3. Hillary Clinton: Let me say this. Her health-care plan will either never happen or it will completely fuck up the economy. Secondly, she’s as polarized and divisive as George W. Bush is. She’s basically the leftist version of our current president. Thirdly, I can assure you that, if president, her foreign affairs will be terrible if not nonexistent — which is particularly disheartening since Al-Quada is growing exponentially in Afghanistan. Also, is she not the most pessimistic candidate you’ve ever seen? (Mitt Romney is a close second).

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.
The aged cow was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow.
She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
“What happened to you,” asked Hillary?
“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell them?” asked Hillary.
The driver replied, “I just stepped inside the door and said, ‘I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow.’ The rest happened so fast I couldn’t stop it.”

Republicans:

1. John McCain: Should be 10x more efficient as president than Bush, Hillary or Clinton. Why? No more polarization. This means that C-Span will feature congressional dialogue that doesn’t sound like how high school girls talk about each other. Honestly, Congress’ he-said/she-said b.s. is like watching a couple of retards hump a doorknob. I think McCain will actually get things done and take action, rather than just complain about everything. My friend Mark says that he is voting for McCain because he “is going to bring the glory of the Nixon years back to the Republican party, before the neocons took over.” I’m not so sure how much I agree with that but I think, if elected, he’d put a hinder on the wave of neoconservatism that the rest of us despise.
2. Ron Paul: Only because I’d like to see what would actually happen.
3. Mike Huckabee: Because the other two blow?
4. Mitt Romney: Economically speaking, he’s a sound candidate. But he did nothing in Massachusetts, so why now?
5. Rudy: I don’t trust the man. But my contempt for Guliani is nowhere near the New York Times.

As a New York-based paper, are we not backing Rudolph Giuliani? Why not choose the man we endorsed for re-election in 1997 after a first term in which he showed that a dirty, dangerous, supposedly ungovernable city could become clean, safe and orderly? What about the man who stood fast on Sept. 11, when others, including President Bush, went AWOL?That man is not running for president.

The real Mr. Giuliani, whom many New Yorkers came to know and mistrust, is a narrow, obsessively secretive, vindictive man who saw no need to limit police power. Racial polarization was as much a legacy of his tenure as the rebirth of Times Square.

Mr. Giuliani’s arrogance and bad judgment are breathtaking. When he claims fiscal prudence, we remember how he ran through surpluses without a thought to the inevitable downturn and bequeathed huge deficits to his successor. He fired Police Commissioner William Bratton, the architect of the drop in crime, because he couldn’t share the limelight. He later gave the job to Bernard Kerik, who has now been indicted on fraud and corruption charges.

The Rudolph Giuliani of 2008 first shamelessly turned the horror of 9/11 into a lucrative business, with a secret client list, then exploited his city’s and the country’s nightmare to promote his presidential campaign.

Damn New York Times.

I read this crap column from Fox News. I loved reading the reader comments. This one perfectly displays what’s wrong with the “core” of the party.

If McCain wins this nomination I’m going to sit this election out and encourage every republican I know to send a clear message to the republican party – we will not tolerate a candidate who claims to be a conservative and in turn votes with the democrats. “Fiscal conservative” and “strong on defence” is simply not enough. The republican umbrela includes those things as well as gun rights, right to life, deregulation, less governement, personal responsibility. In fact if McCain wins, perhaps the stronger message would be a vote for Hillary.

The reason I was so upset was I thought I had my wallet stolen. Two days later, I find my brown wallet in a brown duffel bag of mine. I checked that bag four times. I’m a genius.

I also lost half of the CDs I own. Not sure how but they probably fell out of my backpack somewhere in Baltimore. This led me to finally cave in and buy an iPod. Well, I’m not a fan of Steve Jobs and I like Microsoft because of its philanthropy and business ethics, so I bought Microsoft’s Zune. Here’s a video to show how sexy the Zune really is:

Overall, I really enjoy it so far. It has nearly all of the features the iPod has and it ended up being a lot cheaper (30GB Zune=8GB Ipod). Plus, the video screen is larger and iPods have no durability whatsoever. I bought one once, and it broke in two hours. I didn’t even drop it; it broke while I was walking up stairs. I can customize the background, get FM radio with subtitles and share songs with other Zunes using the same wireless network. Best of all, I won’t look like one of those hipster doofuses with the iPods.

(Perhaps I shouldn’t have bought it, given all of the student loans I have to start paying soon. Ugh, entry-level jobs do not pay well at all.)

Web finds:

Will Ferrell invades MSNBC show.

Best question in a chat ever (from the Wash. Post):

Photo with Hillary: Should Hillary let this one go, or could she rebut the picture with the Obama “slumlord” guy by having her campaign make a photo montage of the thousands of other people she and the president had their picture taking with during their White House years, with the implication being that the president and first lady have their picture taken with thousands of people?

WTF?

Is it 2009 yet?

Why are criminals so stupid hilarious?

This is why I love the newspaper business:

• Dec. 22: Feature story written about 23-year-old frog on his death bed.
• Jan. 7: Whiny treehugger college student writes letter to editor criticizes frog for not being environmentally friendly, despite living behind glass in a kitchen.
• Jan. 25: Frog croaks. Obituary of frog gets published. Funeral held. Everyone’s sad. (Besides that stupid beatnik!)

Werewolf bar mitzah

Why does it seem that every comedy television show I like is always tortured by low ratings? First, Arrested Development. Now, 30 Rock. I’ve been on a real 30 Rock kick lately — especially now that they referenced the Pennsylvania Coal Region several times on Thursday’s episode. Jack Donaghey (Alec Baldwin) and his girlfriend Senator C.C. (Tony Soprano’s wife) meet halfway in some town I’d never heard of. (Although, I found out the exterior scenes were shot in Middlebury, Vt.

Jack: Say what do you think they do for fun around here?
Miner: Smack around noisy out-of-towners. Also, we have a lovely doll museum.

Also from 30 Rock:

Speaking of werewolves and other fictional creatures, I found this story in The Stanford Daily that shows why Rep. Ron Paul is actually a zombie. My favorite part about it is the comments from Paultards:

This idiot is too stupid to understand real policies. Buying into Obama and Hiliary’s Hollywood politics regarding change. We’ve had 8 years of Clinton and look where it got us.
You should quit school (it isn’t helping) and go to Iraq. Tell a soldier to come home while your there.

All that money and still an idiot.

It is the American people that are the zombies. We have allowed our government to run amuck and now it is time to pay the mortgage. Open your eyes and wake up.

I guess only a true politician who tickles ears and does the opposite of what he claims to stand for will appease the hordes that love living in lies. I SUPPORT RON PAUL 100%. BY THE WAY IT’S BEEN PROVEN THAT DIEBOLD VOTING MACHINES SUPPOSEDLY MALFUNCTIONED AND RIPPED RON PAUL OFF…BY AT LEAST 7% AND POSSIBLY MUCH MORE. SEEMS WHENEVER THERE IS A SUPPOSED MALFUNCTION IT WORKS OUT IN FAVOR OF THE NEOCON WARMONGERS. THIS IS PROVEN , SO DON’T GO SAYING CRAP UNLESS YOU CAN BACK IT UP. DANIEL

Ron Paul is the second incarnation of the Lord Jesus Christ. Can’t you see that you stupid stupid Staff Chiffer?

Who are the real zombies? Paultards. Think about it. They’re everywhere. They’re blood thirsty. They both are against taxes. They are both against government. (I’m assuming zombies are against taxation nor can I see a Zombie Nation ever being anything but anarchist.) You can also escape Milwaukee, run over zombies with an armored truck, kill thousands with chainsaws and flee to a deserted island in the middle of the Great Lakes and still not get away from Paultards.

Only good thing about Paultards? They hate left-wing nutcase Wonkette as much as I do.

In sports news, my adopted Jacksonville Jaguars fell short of beating the irritant New England Patriots. (Boo!) New adopted team for the playoffs? Green Bay. But I don’t really like professional football — or even college, for that matter — so I could care less.

I’m not going to even go into my rant about the Mitchell Report, other than it should have been slugged as “Worst Investigation Ever, Or How Baseball Wasted 19 Months and Millions of Dollars On A Wild Goose Chase/Witch Hunt, Or Why You Never Put Anyone Affiliated With the Boston Red Sox In Charge of Anything.”McSweeney’s offers a hilarious parody of the Mitchell Report in its Lost Findings from the Mitchell Report. (It’s more credible than the real one.)

NEPA radio station Rock 107 released its listener-voted Best 1007 Songs of All-Time. It’s pathetic for the following reasons:

• No Beatles songs are listed in the Top 400 songs.
• AC/DC is not worthy of having the No. 1 slot. They are so horribly over-rated. Yet they tallied four of the top ten songs. WTF?
• Creed and Nickleback, two talentless groups, both place higher than any Bob Dylan or Bruce Springsteen song.
• Rolling Stone Magazine’s No. 1 song of all-time, Bob Dylan’s “Like a Rolling Stone” listed at the last spot at No. 1007.
• My songs posted fairly poor: Bob Dylan’s “Like a Rolling Stone” (1007), Bruce Springsteen’s “Thunder Road” (752), Bruce Springsteen’s “Jungleland” (991), The Band’s “The Weight” (unranked) and Tom Waits’ “Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis” (unranked).
• No Tom Waits.

I understand that it’s a user-nominated list, but maybe if Rock 107 didn’t play the same freakin’ Pink Floyd, AC/DC, Van Halen, Led Zeppelin songs over and over again, this list would have some legitimacy. After reading this, I’m taking a moral stand and leaving my radio dial set to 102.3 The Mountain.

I like reading really bad student newspaper columns. Usually, they are written but know-it-all students who either polarized to the far right or far left. Like this columnist from the Daily Northwestern, home of one of the best journalism programs in the country, who feels the need to inform us of all as to why we’re all stupid for playing Sudoku. I could understand why he hates Sudoku. Spelling and pronouncing his name, Prajwal Ciryam, is difficult enough.

The Ohio State University once again tops Northwestern. And everyone else when it comes to journalist integrity. Check out its student newspaper’s cover after the Buckeyes lost another national championship. Yikes.

I’m listening to: Bob Dylan’s “She Belongs to Me”